Clutterwall and the workaraound
The clutterwall. There is a 5 ft x 5 ft pile of mail and junk mail and flyers and stuff clustered in front of the main front door. To me this is normal stress behavior. I know that it is a bad idea, could house insects or even mice, and could be bad mojo to have an entrance out into the world permanently blocked, I know that it is not ok. I just get overwhelmed and put off with dealing with things. But also, this is what I did as a little kid to stay safer.
I left a big mess of toys around the door. At first there were so many things that he woke me up when he opened the door. And I was safe that night and just got in trouble the next day from mom. It was like, if I was awake he couldn’t come in. Mom called it a fire hazard and said the door could jam shut so I had to at least clean that. So I moved all the stuff a little further back. He could open the door quietly but then would step on something. The first time he shouted out. And then Mom asked if he was ok. He looked back at me in the dark. I didn’t know if his eyes were adjusted yet, if he could see my outline distinct from the bed from his sillouetted perspective in the light of the hallway. But then he turned away, said loudly that he stubbed his toe on the stairs, and silently closed my door. So my adult past stress had always caused a circle of clutter thick enough to be a significant obstacle.
When I shared a room in college it became a small arc around my single bed. In all of the rooms I have rented the clutter would be inside the door of my bedroom, but occasionally I accidentally cluttered the very front of the house or the outside of the bedroom door, sometimes that caused housemate problems but I could always fix them by moving the clutter into my bedroom. Here I love having an open safe bedroom, and I feel just as safe in the living room as in the bedroom which is pretty wonderful. So the clutter builds up around the door to the outside, the main door, the symbolic ‘front’ door. And also in front of the door to the other bedroom. But luckily not the exterior door I use all the time so it isn’t trapping me here, I don’t have to step over it ;) how’s that for old logic acting in a new way in this new perspective. Sure, the front door is impenetrably protected so we can relax. Now lets walk around that and go outside and do whatever we were gonna do next. Cool. So bad coping mechanisms are pretty common, and there are a bunch of different reasons for me to be leaning harder on my coping mechanisms lately, especially the ones which don’t immediately hurt me. This is an example of using one that used to hurt me by keeping me inside more, but now I use it in a way that doesn’t hurt me as much. Although it is still a problem to store mail like this instead of dealing with it. I am working on cleaning up the pile today, now that I am looking directly at why it is here. Geez. Also I do need to go through my mail, just got a letter that looks like my benefits are about to be dropped so I need to follow up with them tomorrow. Today I'm struggling to do anything but write, but tomorrow I'll be fully recovered and out in the world in a bigger way. I'm looking forward to it.
