treatment timeline: honest talk.

Been thinking about people being medicated. Am I acting medicated or am I just doing things again.  Sorry y’all, ptsd is disabling pain so for any medication to work for that medication needs to have a positive body effect as well.  You need to be taught that the body that you are in is a possible source of pleasant-intimate experiences. Of, at the very least, a life of feelings that you are willing to want to live through. I think that ptsd is a sort of extended kind of suicidal. I have never seen it so clearly before, but by reliving aspects of terrible trauma all the time what you create is a life that hurts too much to live through.  So it is a significant suicide risk. I read some high number for the % suicide rate for my type of treatment-resistent complex ptsd with dissociation. And, now that it has progressed enough to make it disabling to me, making me unable to do my job, that means that it is unlikely to improve enough to make not disabled anymore.  I’ll probably just get worse and worse. More flashbacks.  More different types of flashbacks. More regressing, more giving a voice to the little ones in terrible moments, more experiencing things over and over.  So imagine this, conventional trauma healing for a single traumatic incident incident is that you feel through it enough times to sort of defuse the emotion of it so it stops hurting you.  You re-experience it enough times with the support of your new coping mechanisms that you run out of hurt to feel for it, so you can finally let it go.  And for a single instance of childhood sexual abuse that letting go process can take years.  Say it takes 5 years for one instance, to really get to where your life feels worth living.  Well, yo look, if I have 20 different traumas like that then it will take 100 years to get to where life feels worth living.  Ok, stare at that for a decade and see if you feel like blowing your brains out, even dying of old age you wouldn't make it to a life that feels worth living.  So, ok, new reassuring theory, you unlearn some of the bad learning every time you process through a new one so it takes a little bit less time.  Wow, so if the process can be made easier, can it be made a lot easier?  So it takes 50 years instead of 100?  Bitch I’m 35, so looking forward to finally feeling like getting out of bed when I am 85?  That doesn’t seem like a benefit yet.  Ok, so fine, maybe it is cumulative.  Say it would speed the whole process up until just 20 more years.  Great, I’ll get a hot date when I’m 55 and actually be able to maintain a healthy relationship.  That’s only 20 years, before I can imagine doing that.  just. 20. Years…until it feels like anything other than an epic fight with gravity to get out of bed. And then to do whatever the next thing is, for every minute of every day, until you can get to be unconscious again.  Fine. Again, after staring that down every day for 10 years, you gonna make it knowing you are barely halfway?  Every human being has a limit, every human being will break, and flip, make it stop, I’ll say anything. I’ll *do* anything to make this stop.  So then we try *anything* while in blinding wounded animal pain, trying not to lash out, trying to create anything positive strong enough to feel.  And its not possible.  Any physically pleasant experience will be destroyed by the persistent reexperiencing of traumatic moments, just makes the contrast worse to where you are sobbing through every clenching orgasm.  And any mentally pleasant experiences get lost because your adrenaline keeps shocking your stomach and your groin starts to feel tingly in that way that always makes a recoil emotion, and then your body is messing with your pleasant emotions.  Or you get one, and the moment doesn’t last forever so you can’t get back to that initial moment out of trauma.  Pretty soon every peaceful moment is lost to the blinding awareness that you’re about to experience another trauma again.  You can’t treat one and expect the other to just happen to heal at the same time.  And as I hope this example makes clear, this may be just a psychology condition but it damn certain is deadly, and near-terminal.  So I’ve been reading and thinking and learning through all of this.  I have disability insurance because they said it was part of their core benefits.  Great.  Even without the added challenge of work I am having a tough time living.  I have time now to figure out how to do things that are positive experiences to counter all of the practically unliveable experiences that you have when you experience an intrusive PTSD memory.  So is medication supposed to make that possible?  The right blend of physical experiences and psychological experiences to counter the intrusive memory sensations and emotions?  I don't see how medication or talk therapy could do that.  Is that why I am treatment-resistent, is there something that I am just not getting?   Sounds like this would be enough, it would allow me to have a pleasant moment from start to finish without having it broken by an intrusive PTSD symptom, so I could let my guard down for a moment to breathe without going away.  That is one of the things about dissociating, is that you learn to do it for anything with any intensity, because for you intensity has always meant trauma.  Sex you trained yourself to stay present for because it was so damned rewarding, but it took a lot of work to do and your partners didn’t always understand.  But to have a life worth living (and remember I mean that quite literally) you have to be able to tolerate emotional intensity without dissociating.  I am trying to train myself to do that with medication and talk therapy.  And a lot of journalling while somewhat dissociated.  What a tremendous window in.  Does that make any sense?  I feel dissociated, got the depersonalization and derealization so vivid that sometimes I can direct it to certain limbs more than others.  But it feels like this typing offers a line to me, where in regular dissociation that line to the me that feels like me would not be available, I get cloudy and different.  So this is an incredible tool.  I wonder if we should try to actually use it in therapy.  I’ll ask. But I kind of more like just using it here.  I want to send part of this to my therapist, but I think it needs a lot of editing.