transition

well guys. my rough patch kept going.  sleep problems were some of the warning signs, but I didn't change a damned thing about my life until it was forced on me by a symptom flare-up.  I'm off work right now on a medical leave, am considered by my doctor, therapist, employer, and disability insurance person, disabled and so not able to do my job, and have been for over a month. I am still in denial about it. like if I could just want it hard enough I could be ok again.  like it is just a failure of will, not a diagnosis and real physical symptoms and stuff.

I am getting better, but really really slowly.  Each step forward toward ok feels like the last step I could possibly make.  And...lots of other things.  Since Dec 10th I finished the work-year, the US electoral college failed the world, my uncle died of cancer on christmas eve. This next bit needs a full sentance or two. On Christmas Eve i drove over to visit my uncle again, got there an hour after he died.  I stayed that night at his house with his sister.  cooked christmas eve dinner with his brother and that guy's family.  My uncle lived alone, like me, was a little weird, like me, and I miss knowing that he is around.  Christmas day those family members all packed up and drove away to celebrate Christmas with the rest of the family, their family, welcoming in the man who abused me for years, who provided that repeated destabilizing trauma which I have to thank for my new enforced vacation, and almost every person at that Christmas celebration has heard that directly from me.  I am invited of course, whenever I feel like being around the man who sexually assaulted me as a child I can just drop right by and have a family for the holidays.  And so as I drove back over to my quiet depressed-person-falling-apart home, where my cat was having daily unexplained projectile vomiting and diarrhea, pretty sure she climbed up into the couch I am sitting on now for some of it too, it has never smelled quite right again.  a few days after that the very same sweet oldest bestfriend cat died.  And a few days after that was 1/20 and the US did a thing and I just broke.  it was too much.  I couldn't make it to work. then when I couldn't work I found out that work had been the absolute last thing I was capable of doing.  Even when I wasn't bathing or wearing clean clothes I was still making it to work more often then not.  Until I wasn't.

So now it is March and it feels like I am starting to register daylight again.  Like when you go see a matinee in the summer and then stumble out still muted and soft until you step outside and the bright sunlight hurts your eyes.  that's probably a cliche. but it is how it feels. so much time has passed in what feels like a weird dark different room.  And when I go outside my eyes still hurt. but, am back a little bit of the time, so there are some new recipes and I'm going to work on a lot more plant documentation throughout this growing season.   We'll just have to see how that goes...thank you for reading :)